(Hanan Ashrawi’s daughter telling her story)

I am Palestinian - born and raised - and my Palestinian roots go back centuries. No one can change that even if they tell me that Jerusalem , my birth place, is not Palestine , even if they tell me that Palestine doesn't exist, even if they take away all my papers and deny me entry to my own home, even if they humiliate me and take away my rights. I AM PALESTINIAN.

Name: Zeina Emile Sam'an Ashrawi; Date of Birth: July 30, 1981; Ethnicity: Arab. This is what was written on my Jerusalem ID card. An ID card to a Palestinian is much more than just a piece of paper; it is my only legal documented relationship to Palestine . Born in Jerusalem , I was given a Jerusalem ID card (the blue ID), an Israeli Travel Document and a Jordanian Passport stamped Palestinian (I have no legal rights in Jordan ). I do not have an Israeli Passport, a Palestinian Passport or an American Passport.

Here is my story:

I came to the United States as a 17 year old to finish high school in Pennsylvania and went on to college and graduate school and subsequently got married and we are currently living in Northern Virginia. I have gone home every year at least once to see my parents, my family and my friends and to renew my Travel Document as I was only able to extend its validity once a year from Washington DC . My father and I would stand in line at the Israeli Ministry of Interior in Jerusalem , along with many other Palestinians, from 4:30 in the morning to try our luck at making it through the revolving metal doors of the Ministry before noon – when the Ministry closed its doors - to try and renew the Travel Document. We did that year after year. As a people living under an occupation, being faced with constant humiliation by an occupier was the norm but we did what we had to do to insure our identity was not stolen from us.

In August of 2007 I went to the Israeli Embassy in Washington DC to try and extend my travel document and get the usual "Returning Resident" VISA that the Israelis issue to Palestinians holding an Israeli Travel Document. After watching a few Americans and others being told that their visas would be ready in a couple of weeks my turn came. I walked up to the bulletproof glass window shielding the lady working behind it and under a massive picture of the Dome of the Rock and the Walls of Jerusalem that hangs on the wall in the Israeli consulate, I handed her my papers through a little slot at the bottom of the window.

"Shalom" she said with a smile. "Hi" I responded, apprehensive and scared. As soon as she saw my Travel Document her demeanor immediately changed. The smile was no longer there and there was very little small talk between us, as usual. After sifting through the paperwork I gave her she said: "where is your American Passport?" I explained to her that I did not have one and that my only Travel Document is the one she has in her hands. She was quiet for a few seconds and then said: "you don't have an American Passport?" suspicious that I was hiding information from her. "No!" I said. She was quiet for a little longer and then said: "Well, I am not sure we'll be able to extend your Travel Document." I felt the blood rushing to my head as this is my only means to get home! I asked her what she meant by that and she went on to tell me that since I had been living in the US and because I had a Green Card they would not extend my Travel Document.

After taking a deep breath to try and control my temper I explained to her that a Green Card is not a Passport and I cannot use it to travel outside the US. My voice was shaky and I was getting more and more upset (and a mini shouting match ensued) so I asked her to explain to me what I needed to do. She told me to leave my paperwork and we would see what happens.

A couple of weeks later I received a phone call from the lady telling me that she was able to extended my Travel Document but I would no longer be getting the "Returning Resident" VISA. Instead, I was given a 3 month tourist VISA. Initially I was happy to hear that the Travel Document was extended but then I realized that she said "tourist VISA". Why am I getting a tourist VISA to go home? Not wanting to argue with her about the 3 month VISA at the time so as not to jeopardize the extension of my Travel Document, I simply put that bit of information on the back burner and went on to explain to her that I wasn't going home in the next 3 months. She instructed me to come back and apply for another VISA when I did intend on going. She didn't add much and just told me that it was ready for pick-up. So I went to the Embassy and got my Travel Document and the tourist VISA that was stamped in it.

My husband, my son and I were planning on going home to Palestine this summer. So a month before we were set to leave (July 8, 2008) I went to the Israeli Embassy in Washington DC, papers in hand, to ask 2 for a VISA to go home. I, again, stood in line and watched others get VISAs to go to my home. When my turn came I walked up to the window; "Shalom" she said with a smile on her face, "Hi" I replied. I slipped the paperwork in the little slot under the bulletproof glass and waited for the usual reaction. I told her that I needed a returning resident VISA to go home. She took the paperwork and I gave her a check for the amount she requested and left the Embassy without incident.

A few days ago I got a phone call from Dina at the Israeli Embassy telling me that she needed the expiration date of my Jordanian Passport and my Green Card. I had given them all the paperwork they needed time and time again and I thought it was a good way on their part to waste time so that I didn't get my VISA in time. Regardless, I called over and over again only to get their voice mail. I left a message with the information they needed but kept called every 10 minutes hoping to speak to someone to make sure that they received the information in an effort to expedite the tedious process. I finally got a hold of someone. I told her that I wanted to make sure they received the information I left on their voice mail and that I wanted to make sure that my paperwork was in order. She said, after consulting with someone in the background (I assume it was Dina), that I needed to fax copies of both my Jordanian Passport and my Green Card and that giving them the information over the phone wasn't acceptable. So I immediately made copies and faxed them to Dina. A few hours later my cell phone rang. "Zeina?" she said. "Yes" I replied, knowing exactly who it was and immediately asked her if she received the fax I sent. She said: "ehhh, I was not looking at your file when you called earlier but your Visa was denied and your ID and Travel Document are no longer valid." "Excuse me?" I said in disbelief. "Sorry, I cannot give you a visa and your ID and Travel Document are no longer valid. This decision came from Israel not from me."

I cannot describe the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. "Why?" I asked and Dina went on to tell me that it was because I had a Green Card. I tried to reason with Dina and to explain to her that they could not do that as this is my only means of travel home and that I wanted to see my parents, but to no avail. Dina held her ground and told me that I wouldn't be given the VISA and then said: "Let the Americans give you a Travel Document".

I have always been a strong person and not one to show weakness but at that moment I lost all control and started crying while Dina was on the other end of the line holding my only legal documents linking me to my home. I began to plead with her to try and get the VISA and not revoke my documents; "put yourself in my shoes, what would you do? You want to go see your family and someone is telling you that you can't! What would you do? Forget that you're Israeli and that I'm Palestinian and think about this for a minute!" "Sorry" she said," I know but I can't do anything, the decision came from Israel ". I tried to explain to her over and over again that I could not travel without my Travel Document and that they could not do that - knowing that they could, and they had!

This has been happening to many Palestinians who have a Jerusalem ID card. The Israeli government has been practicing and perfecting the art of ethnic cleansing since 1948 right under the nose of the world and no one has the power or the guts to do anything about it. Where else in the world does one have to beg to go to one's own home? Where else in the world does one have to give up their identity for the sole reason of living somewhere else for a period of time? Imagine if an American living in Spain for a few years wanted to go home only to be told by the American government that their American Passport was revoked and that they wouldn't be able to come back!

If I were a Jew living anywhere around the world and had no ties to the area and had never set foot there, I would have the right to go any time I wanted and get an Israeli Passport. In fact, the Israelis encourage that. I however, am not Jewish but I was born and raised there, my parents, family and friends still live there and I cannot go back! I am neither a criminal nor a threat to one of the most powerful countries in the world, yet I am alienated and expelled from my own home.

As it stands right now, I will be unable to go home - I am one of many.

So today is the third day of Eid Al Fitr that all Muslims worldwide celebrate right after the culmination of the month of Ramadan. Not sure if it’s only me, but Ramadan seems to have lost its glory. Years ago when I was a child, people’s attitudes towards both Ramadan and Eid (festival) were way different than now. Maybe I have grown up to the extent that I see in them nothing but the mere fact that few arrogant relatives come for a visit for a couple of minutes, and everyone just sucks them up.

It has been a gloomy day in deed. Being self-centered often times, I thought that my own family never enjoyed the Ramadan that other people celebrate. But the night prior to the Eid, I went for a drive to Ramallah with my uncle and three sisters, we toured around Al Manara and the mall a bit, and felt the legendary atmosphere. People were happy. That hit me; I am not accustomed to seeing them vividly preoccupied with the preparation for the big “day.”

So I came back home and wrote to all my contacts wishing them a Happy Eid and expressed my astonishment and satisfaction to see promising smiles in the crowded streets of Ramallah. But the sad part was that I knew it was merely fleeting moments and that those smiles would be wiped off soon. Not only have my fears become true, but I was blind. Yes, blind. Or may be I just chose not to see it. May be I wanted to believe that we are actually happy.

Would I miss Ramadan? NO. Not really. It has been made hell this year.

While Ramadan is believed to be the holy month during which people get closer to Allah by fasting from food and drink all day long and focus on their faith instead, I am not pretty sure this was the case with us Palestinians. It was only a drug. Ramadan numbed our pain. We could handle both the Israeli and Palestinian political, economic, and security pressure knowing that the day of salvation was approaching; the Eid. But after the three days elapsed, then what?

Now thousands of Palestinians are waiting for the next phase. It has been seven months now. Seven months, and thousands of the PA employees have not received their salaries. And two months elapsed with millions of students deprived form their right of education. I have three sisters and two brothers who do nothing but stay at home. They have not attended school from the very beginning of this term. It is both sad and frustrating that they have to “do the time” and pay a high price.

Reading the news headlines on the first days of Eid is not healthy at all. It lessens the effect of the drug, and one starts to get sober. Sounds funny in deed, but that was the case.

Few minutes ago, I surfed some of the blogs and came across few Iraqi bloggers writing on both Ramadan and Eid. If the titles did not mention “in Iraq,” I swear I could never tell the difference between Iraq and Palestine. The hunger, misery, constant killing, and lack of security are all Palestinian symptoms.

I am speechless now; I can hardly verbalize the so many conflicting thoughts. Heaven knows how things would be like next Ramadan, but I would not speculate it already. It is not time to worry about it now, other issues are on stake; food, money, and education. Until then, there are a lot of things to sort out.

Yesterday, I realized that I believe in love at first sight. Not the romantic kind, rather the sense of connecting with another human being without ever having to say a word. Indeed, the person I was so enthralled with last night was a five-month-old girl, who smiled at me and then hid her face in shyness. Those few moments of interacting with this baby lifted my spirits, but it also made me reflect in sadness about the fact that many children in this current conflict are robbed of their joy and their childhood.

I often contemplate how mature Palestinian children seem. Sure, they play the childhood games that we all played in our day, but there is wisdom in their words that is eerily sobering. Their age defines them as children, but if you have a conversation with a Palestinian child, you will realize how much awareness she has of the world around her, of suffering in the next village, in Gaza, in Lebanon. She is a child that has empathy and understands that life, by nature, is wrought with all sorts of difficulties.

A Palestinian child knows better; life is not as it is depicted in cartoons, where those who die are miraculously resurrected not once, but several times, where injuries are healed instantaneously, where death is a joke and life is a series of slapstick moments. A Palestinian child escapes into imagination, but she is never far removed from the reality of children and adults alike being indiscriminately shot outside her window, in her classroom, at the local bakery.

Who would have thought that normal things, simply walking down the street to grab a falafel sandwich, could result in your untimely death? Perhaps the Israeli army mistook the falafel stand for a bomb-making factory, or an ammunition shop? Make no mistake about it; the Israeli military have made too many “mistakes” that there is obviously a pattern there, wouldn’t you think?

A child that is robbed of the sense of security, therefore, is a child that is mature beyond her years. She knows that the bullets and the tank shells do not discriminate. Her father can shield her from the neighbor’s vicious dog, from the crazy drivers, he will hold her hand to cross the street, but he will not be able to capture a bullet in his hand like the mythological superheroes in blockbuster movies out this summer in theatres near you. He might be able to take the bullet for her though. But once gone, who will be her protective shield against the harsh reality of life that goes on in what seems the periphery of the conflict? And who will be there to share some of her joyous milestones; graduation, marriage, the birth of a child? Hers is a joy that is always overshadowed by a greater sorrow.

Is it fair that 31 Palestinian children have died in a 31-day period? A child-a-day; is that the new Israeli army mantra? Khaled was just a one-year-old, Aya was seven, Sabreen was only three. What lost potential, what lost promise – who knows what Khaled would have grown up to be? An astronaut? A veterinarian? A philosopher? What about Aya; she could have become a fashion designer, a teacher, a mother. By what right has this promise been so violently plucked and trampled upon cruelly and without a moment’s hesitation on the part of the Israeli soldier, who heartlessly unleashed a fiery rain of bullets and shells on a neighborhood as if he is in a simulated video game and those who die are fictitious and unreal? Perhaps that is what he is made to believe, otherwise, who in clear consciousness is so willing to pull the trigger and with one spray of bullets destroy life, potential and rob joy?

If you can see the smiling face of your own child, then how do you go out and unquestioningly take the life of others? If you value life, then how do you live with the burden of knowing that you have taken it so unjustifiably? Perhaps that is your perpetual punishment; the judgment of a child scorned is the harshest of them all.

Inspired by Shakespeare’s Hamlet “To be or not to be that is the Question” I could not help but come up with a few alternative lines concerning the UN Bid

To go or not to go that is the question
Whether to suffer the measures of occupation
The outrageous checkpoints and wall of separation
Whether to indulge in futile negotiations
Or take our case to the United Nations
To go or not to go is no more the question

While the news of the Arab Spring is still flashing on the various news channels with the trial of Husni Mubarak and the unknown fate of Gadaffi, the Palestinians have been busy with their bid for recognition at the United Nations. The statements, discussions, panels, and numerous analysis and articles have covered the subject fully from all aspects; the pros and cons, the dilemmas and opportunities; the hope and despair, the disappointment and futility. Irrespective; to go or not to go is no more the question because the Palestinian Authority has made its decision to go since it has no other option to the stalemate in the peace process and the futile negotiations that have been going on for more than eighteen years.

However, it is clear that there is no consensus amongst the Palestinians regarding that initiative. How could the body that created the problem by unfairly partitioning Palestine in 1948 and who failed ever since to force Israel to implement any of the UN resolutions pertaining to the rights of the Palestinians, be credible and entrusted with the realization of the Palestinian dream of liberation, and independence . So it is understandable that many Palestinians, especially those in the diaspora and in the refugee camps would be worried that the inalienable rights of the Palestinians and especially the right of return will not be realized, or that the Palestinian state, if and when recognized, would be far removed from the dream of the Palestinians for restoring justice.

But why is Israel so much against the initiative? We need to remember that Israel never acknowledged that the West Bank, East Jerusalem and the Gaza Strip, internationally recognized as occupied territory in 1967 were actually “occupied” by Israel. At the beginning, Israel considered them “administered” while later on, when the negotiations started after the Oslo Accords in 1993 they referred to them as "disputed territory" wherein Israel's claim would be as good as anyone else's, since it considered that those territories never had independence any way. Of course East Jerusalem was unilaterally annexed and was placed outside the discussion altogether. The scenario that Israel projected claimed that it acquired that territory fair and square in a war that the Arab countries waged against Israel in 1967. That, over and above the divine right that Israel always claims to have over the whole land of “Eretz Yisrael”. According to that belief, those territories are considered liberated and that Israel is the one making very hard concessions by giving the Palestinians a part of their land.

With that kind of logic, and with all the new realities that Israel has created on the ground through the government and army-supported settlements, it has become glaringly clear that it has no room for a Palestinian state along-side the state of Israel as the Palestinians were made to think in the Oslo Accords.

What is really puzzling and disappointing is the reaction of the USA administration. Should it be genuinely interested in peace and stability in the region as well as in the security of Israel which president Obama, like previous presidents, continues to emphasize as a priority in US policy, it should be the first to approve the principle of a Palestine State. Actually it is interesting to remember that Mr. Obama, in his speech at the United Nations in September 2010 said: “the world can have an agreement that will lead to the creation of a new Palestinian state next year.” He must have forgotten his words because without even seeing the details of the Palestinian bid, or trying to forge that agreement that he spoke about, Mr. Obama sent two of his envoys Mr. Dennis Ross, and Mr. David Hale to convince Mr. Abbas to change his mind. Why? Mr. Abbas has been humiliated enough when the negotiations were going on. Every time he would threaten not to return to the negotiating table, and rightly so, the US administration would intervene. For the sake of Peace the Palestinians had made more concessions than any party in this conflict. Mr. Obama himself must have had a taste of that humiliation when the Israeli prime minter Benjamin Netanyahu shunned him and turned down his request to stop the settlements so that the negotiations would be resumed. Mr. Obama did not only cave in, he reacted by promising more aid and a large attractive package of military aid to Israel, whereas for just contemplating to go to the UN, the right body to solve world problems –or for that matter to create them - the USA administration has been threatening to cut aid to the Palestinian Authority. What a shame. Is this the democracy that the USA has waged wars for? I hope that great country will continue to be a haven for so many oppressed people who have found in it refuge and a great opportunity for a peaceful and a secure life. Dare we hope??

To go or not to go to the United Nations is no more the question.

As we commemorate forty four years of Israeli occupation this week, France comes up with a new/old initiative of an international conference to be followed by negotiations. If this is going to be another Madrid, thank you Mr. Sarkozy, but no thank you. The memories of Madrid followed by Oslo and the euphoria of the withdrawal of the Israeli troops from the large towns only to return again with further brutality have turned into an ongoing nightmare.

With all the futile negotiations for the last 17 years, what will the negotiations following that conference lead to? Further stalling, further realities on the ground, further onslaught on Jerusalem and further intransigence on the Israeli side. Mr. Netanyahu who insisted on resuming negotiations without pre-conditions, himself, set seven conditions: No to the 1967 borders, no negotiations on Jerusalem, no return of refugees, no dismantling of settlements, no withdrawal from the Jordan valley; no peace without recognition of the Jewishness of the State, and no arms for the Palestinian State. We heard them all as he addressed the American Congress with 29 standing ovations; something he doesn’t get even at home in his own Knesset.

Unless there is a new strategy and new peace brokers, there is nothing that is going to make this conference bring about different results? One of the big flaws of the Oslo accords was that the core issues:- final borders, Jerusalem, settlements and refugees were all deferred to the last stages. And when they reach them Israel balks. So are the Palestinians expected to accept another merry go round? It will be suicidal. Unless France and the European countries take the lead at the United Nations and join all the countries who have already expressed support for the creation of a Palestinian state on the 1967 borders, all this talk about an international conference and further negotiations will be futile. We have already been there, and as the Arabic saying goes, “a person cannot be bitten twice from the serpent’s pit.”

If it were possible to change the reality of Palestine over night in 1948, it certainly will be possible to get the Israeli forces and their settlers to withdraw from the occupied territories over night. The changes that we are seeing in the Middle should be a lesson that no oppression or injustice can last for ever. So will Mr. Sarkozy and the Europeans usher us into a new era of justice and peace, or will they pull us down into another whirlwind?

We are damned if we do, we are damned if we don’t. One more time the Israeli lopsided logic prevails. The first official reaction of Israel to the Palestinian reconciliation was that it will be an obstacle to peace. Ironic as it may sound, it was only a short while ago that Israel used the Fateh-Hamas in-fighting as a justification for not moving ahead with the peace process. Despite all the settlement building and the continuous onslaught on Jerusalem, Israel insists on giving the impression that it is actually offering us peace on a silver platter, and it is we, the Palestinians, who have fouled it all up.

Unlike last week, when the press of the whole world was busy with the Royal wedding, and I must admit it was a nice break for all of us to relax on that Friday morning watching a real fairy tale. The young couple, William and Kate were really lucky to be in the limelight for the whole week end. Nobody would have bothered about a royal wedding when the Breaking News flashed “Bin Laden is Dead”. Ten years after the 9/11 Mr. Obama succeeded in achieving what his predecessor had failed to achieve. And it seemed to me that Mr. Obama has certainly guaranteed a good start for his election campaign, especially when his popularity had been losing ground lately.

Ever since I heard Mr. Obama’s inaugural speech in 2009 in which he stressed the importance of justice more than once, I have been hoping that the resolve for bringing about justice to our Palestinian people, whose cause has lingered not only for one decade but for more than five decades, will bear fruit. But what happened was contrary to our expectation; it was the USA administration that has been blocking any chances for that justice to prevail even when it was glaringly clear that Israel has been the perpetrator of this grave injustice inflicted on the Palestinians ever since 1948.

For us in the occupied territories the best breaking news was the reconciliation between Fateh and Hamas. A long awaited demand of the Palestinian people so that we can have a united front to deal with all the challenges of the Israeli military occupation. We have already made enough concessions since the signing of the Oslo accords in 1993, and settled for relative justice by accepting the establishment of a Palestinian state on the 1967 borders (22% of historic Palestine.) It is so illogical to demand of Hamas to recognize the state of Israel, when Hamas itself is not a state, but a faction in an occupied territory that has not even been recognized yet as a state. However, Hamas was very clear in its announcement during the ceremony of the signing of the reconciliation agreement, that it will agree to the establishment of the Palestinian state within the 1967 borders.

Mr. Netanyahu is already touring Europe and the USA to foul any plans for the establishment of a Palestinian State. Will Mr. Obama adhere to the values and morals of democracy, justice and peace that he calls for, or will he cave in once again, and have his election campaign justify his silence regarding another round of injustice?

Dare we hope for another breaking news announcing the establishment of a Palestinian State in September?

The vote to accept Israel into the Organization for Economic Co-operation and development (OECD) while it continues to violate Palestinian Human rights and to flout UN resolutions, indicates that something is very wrong in the values of the world community. But then politics have never had moral values, and that is why the world is in such a mess.

While the siege on Gaza has been allowed to continue for over 3 years simply because Hamas won the elections in a democratic process, and while further sanctions are being considered against Iran for its nuclear activities, Israel continues to enjoy a free hand in the Palestinian Occupied Territories. It also enjoys the privilege of not signing the non-proliferation agreement nor having its nuclear facilities inspected. Once again Israel is being rewarded.

Today Israel is celebrating Jerusalem Day according to the Jewish calendar. It is the day Israel unilaterally annexed East Jerusalem to West Jerusalem after the June 1967 war as “The Eternal United Capital of Israel.”. Until 1948 West Jerusalem had a Jewish minority as it was the residential section of Palestinians who were evicted from their homes or had to run away out of fear for their lives after the massacre of Deir Yaseen. As if dispossessing the Jerusalemites in 1948 was not enough, Israel now continues to chase them out of their homes and property in East Jerusalem, where they have taken refuge or were they had always been living . Under different pretexts, and by unjust laws created by Israel and applied by its own court system, Palestinians are left helpless and homeless.

Our gift on this special day came through the announcement of the establishment of two Israeli settlements within East Jerusaelm One behind the YMCA and the American Consulate, and the other in the Old City near Al-Aqsa mosque. A special report by the Association for Civil Rights in Israel (ACRI) was issued today as well, indicating that Israel has already confiscated 24,500 dunums of Palestinian land which is the size of one third of East Jerusalem. (4 dunums = 1 acre) During 2009 alone, Israel has demolished 80 homes leaving around 300 of their Palestinian inhabitants homeless. That is aside from the ongoing onslaught on the Sheikh Jarrah quarter and the Bustan area in Silwan.

Mr. Obama, in the meantime sends us harsh messages not to flout the indirect talks. It is yet beyond me why on earth did we Palestinians accept to pursue those negotiations when every member of the Palestinian Authority and the negotiating team had so adamantly announced earlier that there will be no negotiations unless the settlement activity stops. Of course Mr. Obama himself had to bow to Israel when its prime minister simply ignored the request, so did the Palestinian Authority think that they would be up to that challenge? Not Surprisingly, such a serious decision was not taken by a unanimous PLO vote but by a simple majority.

On the other hand why did we need the blessing of the Arab countries when they had already offered Israel a perfect deal in the 2002 summit in Beirut whereby all Arab countries were willing to recognize Israel and have diplomatic relations with it provided it ends the occupation. Had Israel been interested in peace, it would have jumped at this offer. That was a generous offer, and the American administration and Mr. Obama should have seized that opportunity to pressure Israel, instead of wasting more time, energy and money on Mr. Mitchell’s shuttle trips. Whether the talks are direct or indirect, they will continue to be futile as long as the component of justice is not there and as long as the right of return is not on the agenda. Over and above, they will be futile as long as Israel continues to be rewarded morally and financially for the dispossession of the Palestinians, and its effect on the whole region.